I just read yet another article about decoding a woman’s words, actions and emotions. You know, one of those ‘if she says this…it really means that’ articles which are designed to do several things.
1. Be amusing.
2. Provide men with even more reasons to think that we are crazy.
3. Perpetuate bad communication skills.
4. Generalize.
5. Make women look ridiculously inept.
6. …
Well, it appears that I can go on and on about what these foolish articles do. It also appears that now that I am older and wiser and very much a woman I feel that someone, somewhere has to be more discriminating when it comes to the material they print as “helpful hints to deal with your woman.” Or “Girl Talk 101.” I was very disappointed to see that it was, in fact, a woman who had penned the article. I was very disappointed that in 2006, I couldn’t open up this article, read it and be impressed that someone has finally found the language to communicate our needs to the opposite sex. Instead, I found jokes, the same simple jokes I was reading ten and fifteen years ago…and I am 33 years old! (Inject disgusted sound here!)
Ladies, what exactly are we doing here? When are we going to pass on the message that we should be taken seriously? When are we going to say and BELIEVE that our emotions, however crazy and dissociated they seem to others (MEN!), are worthy of respect and validation? When are we going to empower ourselves with articles that are designed to provide clarity and understanding, if not empathy, when read by the opposite sex? Geez, if we can sit down and come up with a “witty, non-threatening” piece that decodes our language for the guys, why then do we not come out and say what we really need to say?
I suppose that is the question, huh, ladies.
Why is it that we say we’re fine, when asked, instead of saying that we’re pissed as hell? Why do we ask our men how we look and when they tell their truth we are threatened by it? Why can’t we find something else to do when they would rather watch the game?! Read a book, do our nails, write a letter, chat to a friend? Why do we instantly become a “prop” for our men, instead of enjoying some simultaneous “me time”? Sorry ladies, but I think we’ve been going about this all wrong. We like to talk about independence and “girl power” but the truth is, we have not really thought about what exactly that means.
Here’s the problem. We are so caught up in finding Mr. Right that when we think we’ve found him, we’ll do everything to keep him. Have we really paid attention to what our criteria are in giving a man that revered title? “Mr. Right”? Mr. Right should be …well, he should be right…Right for you.
Your next question: How do I know that he’s right for me? Well, if you can be yourself, speak honestly, live authentically in his presence and still be as incredible as you were the day he met you and couldn’t get enough…he‘s right for you. If you can tell him not to leave the seat up and notice that he makes an effort to listen to you, and be prepared to drop the seat every now and again instead of cussing him out, he’s right for you.
Because you, too, are being right…real, authentic.
We are not perfect either, we know that, so what perfection do we seek in a man? Why?! How can we have such incredible expectations for the men who come into our lives when too often we are not even saying or doing what is true to ourselves? If we aren’t authentic from the beginning and consistently so, then how will they learn us, get us, know us? That’s why they respond like we are aliens when we suddenly freak out over things that have boiling within us for days, weeks, months…but never said a word.
I’ve done it, have you?
At what point did we lose our voices? Could it have been when we were just girls and were told not to speak to loudly, or out of turn? Could it have been with our first crush, our first love, when the first time we expressed our thoughts and/or our feelings it was met with dissatisfaction? Confusion? Anger? Disinterest? At some point, we’d been discouraged from being ourselves. Not discouraged from being like women; by crying and complaining and being needy, but from being ourselves. Whomever and whatever that may be. We have been taught to hold our tongues; self taught…because of fear. Fear of ourselves, our power, our strength. We fear our own voice. We fear that making our needs known, having our voices heard, our feelings validated, will somehow run them out. So, instead we sit on them, let things ferment and fester. (Ladies, if they run, did we really need them anyway?) We’re telling lies. Why are we saying that we are fine and then slamming doors? Please tell me that in 2006, we are not still relying on attention seeking devises to send our messages. Shoot, you know more often than not they ignore that foolishness anyway! We’re making it easy for them, and then we hope that they’ll pick up the woman’s magazine we purposely left open on the coffee table… “I’m fine! What this really means.” This is sabotage, we’re not giving ourselves, or our men, the respect deserved.
When did honesty become something that comes after the commitment, Ladies?
Ladies, the bottom line is we have a responsibility to ourselves as well as to our partners. We have to say what we mean and mean what we say. It sounds cliché, but it could not be any truer. Instead of sending covert messages in our words and our actions, we should just tell the truth. Instead of presenting ways to interpret these messages, we should be changing our own behavior and be true, leaving no room for misunderstanding. We need to learn to communicate properly. The reality is we are women and they are men, we’re not supposed to be the same. The whole concept of being from different planets and thus, speaking different languages is entirely true, we’re made differently, raised differently, but if we’re mature enough to contribute positively to a relationship, we should be mature enough to say what we have to say when we have to say it. If the right words are used, and we speak the truth, there is no room for miscommunication. We should simply say what needs to be said and know that it was with the intention of perpetuating understanding, open, uninhibited communication. Growth. Intimacy. Love. The rest is easy.
